If you look back, like really really far, you’ll see i invented that. And you can borrow it. I slapped a pickle out a bitch mouth at the Patent office, i got that shit locked down. 100 records, 20 with pink vinyl, 80 pressed from the ashes ov all your favorite burned churches. “If… being cool…. means being.. like you (and you), well I… don’t want to-oooh…” paraphrase from Descendents, but you get the idea. Do you know how many time i have fantasized about grabbing that choad by his beard to throw him and impale him on a church steeple like a ring toss? No, ov course you don’t. I’ve got your hell, it’s in my handbasket. In fact, I have more hell than any handbasket can hold. Wouldn’t a handbasket be kinda like what you carry your found easter eggs in? IRONY. You’re the worst. Mineral Water ≠ Mineral Spirits, don’t make that mistake. Also, don’t make the one where you put like Ben-Gay or Preperation H on your toothbrush, mistaking it for toothpaste. Whitey did that once, and i am STILL laughing about it, 20 years later. Which reminds me when Whitey and I were at my grandmother’s funeral, we all had to stand up for some thing to be said by some stupidly dressed cleric fuck, me and Dolawhitez were behind my great aunt Elinor, and as she stood up, she let out the longest, most-controlled and rhapsodical fart one could ever perchance to hear. Sayeth Whitey “I hope I have that kinda control when I get older.” You fell up the stairs, you talented bastard. I used to be married. I was gonna share something personal with everyone on facebook the other day, and then i said “fuck it”. Always the best decision. You win this trophy, here take it, it’s more ov a statue, it’s your special award for lying to me more than anyone ever. Ever seen an elephant balance itself on a barrel? You spend too much time at the circus. Stop it. I’ll shave an orangutan just to prove my fucking point. Every time I think there’s a bug crawling on my foot/leg and i go to look at it, it’s just not fucking there. You’re welcome, no problem, any time (and I mean that). You suck, i’ll give you everything, You’re the best, you get nothin’. Karate Kid goes Back To The Future to fight Karate Man. Maybe he’s no romeo, but he’s my lovin’ one-man-show. If it has wood flute, accordion, bagpipes, or lyrics about some Irish shit, you can hammer it into your ass with a rubber mallet forever. The pinnacle. These are my own thoughts, you can’t think them, and if you do, i’ll reach into your skull with a chain-mesh glove on and squish your brain. Pinkyswear. 48%. I could duct-tape you to the ceiling over that percentage. Think about it. My stench is erotic, and if you find it distasteful you can show yourself out ov my bedchambers, and my life. Rappers need to stop stealing the ideas out ov my head. He fell out ov bed onto his mouth, then i comforted him and stroked his back gently until he fell back into tearless sleep, at which time i rewarded myself with cold fried chicken, San Pellegrino Limonata, chocolate chip cookies and a D-Train video from a French TV show in the 80′s. Can someone turn down my “Jaded” knob to like 3 please? OMG you are hilarious, and cool! And stupid as fuck. No one wants to believe they’re ruined forever, but sometimes you just are. You’re so punk, you’re so hip, you’re so in-the-now, you’re so untouchable, you’re so self-conscious. You’d be better off as a crustacean. I’m a wildebeest, you’re a phantom. No one really knows what it’s like to see the world as a fish, yet you have people crafting “fish eye” lenses for cameras like there’s no tomorrow. I heard you were a DJ, then I heard you DJ, and then I had to re-title you “Human Jukebox”. Roses are red, violets are blue, gee whiz you sure do got some tits on you. By the way, if you cut off Zapp & Roger (rest in peace) halfway thru the song again, i’m gonna slap that nappy fuckin’ afro off your goofy, cartoon-character lookin’ dome. It’s about respect. “Let’s have this theme party!” … “Okay, cool… but let’s add the ZOMBIE theme too!” I’m there dude, get your camera warmed up, I might not smile. It isn’t anything, except for a chicken wing. BOOOOOOORRRRRRRRING. I can’t remember the last time i was bored. It just doesn’t happen to me, i won’t allow it. Life is too short and stupid to waste even a moment being bored (or, more importantly, boring). Why are you even reading this? Don’t you have something better to do? I don’t agree with Tom Petty about anything. Except waiting. But no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and.. ripped his pants. Don’t ask me about that Waffle House shit, I ain’t doin’ that kinda shit anymore. References within references. The internet has turned you into the town crier, which was probably just lurking beneath the surface this whole time with no outlet. You live in a house, with many windows and doors, with locks and latches and latches and locks, and you spend your time locking and latching and latching and locking. At that price, I should just keep it, and hand you ten bucks. You want some more apple juice? Get it yourself. You got a lot ov nerve even still being alive. Jack Kerouac and you go to Alaska already. Serving it on a tortilla does NOT make it Mexican cuisine. Out ov the frying pan, into the fire, and now I’m burnt crispy. I hope you like that carbon flavor. Send it back, it’s their job. Do you want the job or not? Thank you for being among my collection ov crazies. I believe the chirren are the furniture, teach them well and let them led the zepplin. Show them all the boutique they possess aside. Give them ascend ov pride to merkin easier. Let the chirren’s bladder remind us how we used to pee. I could cartwheel over there. I could moonwalk over there. I could three-legged race over there. I could walk there on my hands. As in, upside-down. “I wish I lived there!” … “Reeeally??!??!!?” … “No.” Big shout out to my sister. Always trying to get back to that ball-pit, to find something I lost a long time ago. Them mullets is jumpin’. First fish I ever caught was a brim, and it was little. “A friend is a friend ’til the end, but the end lasts forever.. and a day..” Let’s do a split. No, really. A monolith ov text, with no continuity whatsoever. If there’s anything better on the planet, they better hide it from me. Stupid sunshine. Did you find out what you wanted to know? Because I haven’t. And I am starting to doubt that I ever ever will. Okay, i’m done.
